In summary, I will tell you I miscarried twice losing 3 angel babies because the second pregnancy was a twin to now welcoming my rainbow baby boy in 2015. Every time I asked myself what will have happened if I didn’t try for the third time? What will my life have become?

I got married in 2004 thinking I can delay my motherhood for a few years till I stablise my new start up business. What I didn’t realise is life doesn’t go as what you plan, it is not a start stop button that you can press and create life.

First IVF Treatment
6 years later, in 2010, we came to the conclusion that we needed help and decided to seek medical assistance. That is where we embarked on the first IVF treatment after a failed IUI procedure. We were lucky, I conceived a baby boy, in fact, what we didn’t realise was that a storm was about to come thereafter..

First Miscarriage
At 23 weeks gestation, Dominic’s water bag burst and I was forced to deliver him 2 days later in hospital. He didn’t survive despite paediatrics were present at the delivery room to help resuscitate him immediately. His heart beat dropped gradually as I watched his fragile life slipped away in front of me. I was anxious to see my gynae for an answer that I hope he can give me. However, I was back to where I used to be, without a baby, after a miscarriage trying to figure out what had happened. I was depressed, in denial, hoping everything was a dream. My mind rewind on the scene again and again looking for a clue on any signs that I might have missed but there was none. I couldn’t believe what had happened, all the anticipation, hopes and dreams of the future a baby can bring went crashing down.

Second Pregnancy
I got pregnant again, this time with twins. I was determined to bring this twin to the world, we opt for cervical cerclage thinking that was the solution to my previous miscarriage. However, things didn’t turn out what we had planned and hope for. At 21 weeks gestation and 2 days, the same thing happened, I couldn’t hold them till full term. Elvis and Louis slipped away from me. All of my angel babies were boys and born alive but can’t survive in the outside world due to their premature lungs. I asked myself what had I done, did I create lives or killed lives? I was down with more guilt and questions, I didn’t know what to do, clueless and defeated. I didn’t want to work on goals anymore, goal setting is meaningless when you can’t achieve it. I was down ready to admit defeat. I was ready to walk away and say ok, that’s it for me.

By now, I had already written 2 books – To Baby With Love about my first pregnancy journey till miscarriage, Lost And Found on my second pregnancy, yet again another miscarriage. What can I do next? Thanks to the readers out there who have been reading my books quietly, they reached out. They reached out with their various stories, with their experiences, gynaes, TCM recommendation and etc. What it seems like I was writing to honour my babies turned out to be channel for me to reach out to the world hoping to find a solution. The books also became someone’s comfort during their darkest time and moments.

2 Years Later
Taking a 2 years break after my second miscarriage, I kept myself busy. I accepted Christ, kept myself fit with exercise and a balanced diet all for a best shot at pregnancy again to make sure I was at the top form of my health to try conceiving again. This time round, I made it! I conceived naturally by the end of the second year of wait.

Rainbow Baby
Soon, I was at my 23 weeks gestation, I was at peace this time. I felt confident that I can pull through, it helped also when Chinese New Year was around the season. At 35 weeks of gestation, however, my son Titus decide to come out and meet the world.

Life after…
So how is life after that? I started Art Of Life after having written 3 books, this time a book with happy ending – A Gift From Heaven. I hope to inspire mums who are embarking on their trying to conceive journey. After my journey, I come to realise many couples have struggled to have a baby, either to conceive or to hold the baby till full term. I had both issues on hand, what will happen to our future generation if all of us chose to walk away after our happy ever after story? I hope to empower other women to tell them you can do whatever you set your mind to do it. I prayed about it and decide to share my experiences with other women and media. Not just only through my books, but also through my talks and consultation. Likewise, I also educate them in terms of controlling our own mindset, emotions and lifestyles, practical skills for us women to have better self-care.

Therefore, my life mission redefined to:

Empowering women and aspiring mums

After all, I have been that, done that!


Felicia Tan
Author, Speaker

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